The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel

Austin Mahone - Found You

Fear

I fear losing you. Just the thought of it makes me feel so scared. I don't wanna hurt you. I always try to understand you. Believe me, I am trying.

I love you so much that I know it's easy for you to hurt me cos I'm vulnerable around you. You're my strength. You're my weakness. You give me the power to overcome anything in this world but yet you are also my kryptonite.

I know I am not good enough for you right now. I just hope you don't give up on me and give me some time to be the best for you.

When we argued and you walked away, I didn't know what to do. I was going crazy when I saw you walk away but I know if you didn't, the situation will only get worse. I cried not only because I was mad at myself, but I was afraid that you will not come back when you walk away. I was scared that you might give up on me, on us.

To be honest, up until now as I am typing this out, I can still feel my heart aches a little. I'm not sure what's happening to us. Maybe you need some space? Maybe you just need me to try harder? Maybe I'm just not good enough and this will not get better? I don't know. I just don't.

Biggest fear in my life right now, no doubt, it's losing you.

Not good enough.

There are days that I feel like I'm at the top of the world but there are days that I feel like burying myself deep in a hole. Right now, it's the latter.

It feels like as if:-

- I'm lying down on the ground with a crowd just keep running over me and I can't get up.
- I'm in the middle of the ocean and I'm screaming but there's no voice coming out.
- I'm running so fast but I don't know from what and I don't know where I'm going. 
- I'm waving my hands trying to get someone to save me but no one can see me.

I feel drowned with negativity. Pulled down so hard by this bad gravity. Hoping that someday someone will come and rescue me. I'm surrounded by people but I feel so lonely. I feel so occupied yet I feel so empty.

It feels like I'm not good enough for anything. My mind can't concentrate, it's constantly wandering. Even though I'm alive and that I'm still breathing. I can't help but to feel like I'm always losing. I can feel my happiness slowly depleting. But I still don't know how to fix everything. I wish I know the fastest way for me to fulfill what I'm lacking. Cos I can see that things have started breaking.

Acceptance

Everyone desires tranquility. The peacefulness in one's self. It does not come easy for most. Even for me. To obtain the peace and calmness starts within you. What you feel is what you actually allow. Accept what is given to you, be it positive or negative, with an open heart. When good things happen, be grateful. When things does not go your way, trust that better things are coming. Avoid the thought that it is not enough. Greed is selfish. When you think that it is not enough, it will never be enough for you. That will eventually eat you up slowly. 

"It's okay". Keep telling yourself that. Patience is a virtue. If we really desire happiness and peace, start with acceptance. 

Changes.

Everyone's constantly changing. Be it a little or to a great extent. Everyone's not who they were a year ago, a month ago or even a week ago. It might not be an abundance of difference but it is still a change. And yet, people are afraid of changes, they say.

What could we be so afraid of? Shouldn't new things excites us? Shouldn't becoming a better person makes us feel more in control in life? Isn't it funny that a change could either make you or break you?

It is definitely up to individuals. Not everyone is the same after all. Experiences and changes shaped you to what you have become. I believe that no matter what you went through, it is really up to you on how you see them. Your own perspective. It might be simple for one but complex for another. One might be able to adapt to the changes and one might just cower away because they are afraid.

So which one is you?

Dad

I opened my eyes,
Feeling thankful for another day to live. 
Though surrounded by your lies,
I still managed to breathe. 

I don't just forgive and forget,
It will take some time to do.
But I don't want to live with regret,
Feeling all this hate towards you. 

You were one that I looked up to,
The one I respected.
But all you think about now is you,
You take all else for granted.

I only asked for your commitment,
For your children and your wife.
To say that I'm sad is an understatement,
I thought we were your life.

I used to tell myself that,
I wanna find a man like you. 
But with all that I found out, dad,
Oh well, screw you. 

You've hurt us all so bad, 
You have no idea, do you?
I can tell you that I'm so mad,
But what else can I do?

I appreciate all you've done for us in the past,
I will remember the good memories.
It just sucks that your marriage won't last,
And there will be no more stories.